kristenjour

It is a warm, sunny, Sunday afternoon. But instead of enjoying this day, I am disintigrating in the blackness of my thoughts.
I am so disgusting and putrid to look at. How did I let myself go so quickly?
I keep saying how I wish that I were dead, though I don't truly mean this... I don't think.

My face has puffed out from only a week ago. I just feel out of control in every way. I don't know how to help myself anymore.

On the Tuesday after Easter I went to visit my grandma in the hospital. She shit on the floor on her way to the bathroom because she can't control her body anymore. Her mind has wandered off into some childlike state and I felt like I was watching a stranger. All I wanted to do was get the hell out of there. I wanted to be on speed. To escape in every way..

On the way home my mom started talking about abortions and asked me if I've ever had one. I was too tired to lie, so i admited I had. She was supportive and I tried hard to listen to the words she said, but my mind was somewhere else, just as Grandma's has become. I don't need my mother to tell me that the choice I made was okay. That won't take the shame in me away. It is the same Shame that I felt as a child when kids would ask me where my "real father" was. And even if I said nothing, I would know he was in jail and feel guilty.

Except then it wasn't my fault and now I'm the killer.

i guess i should explain myself. the past couple of entries i've written have been jumbled and infused by crystal meth.
they are ramblings that make no sense out of the moments in time they were spewed out of me.

i didn't mean for this to happen and now i am being swallowed whole.

last saturday night i decided to go buy a 50 bag of speed to take one night during my week long vacation. i bought it behind shawn's back and used money from my savings account. i wasn't planning on doing it that night, but shane came over to the house and gave shawn and i a few lines of glass for the night.
after that was done i dipped into my own privates stash hidden in a porcelin elephant i keep in the bathroom.

before i knew it the sun had come up and it was easter. this was the second weekend in a row that i had shown up in front of my family high on speed.
the next day i was exhausted and starving.
by tuesday i was over krystyna's doing a couple bumps of the stuff again.
then on wenesday i bought a 50 bag again which was really more like a 70 bag from shane.

once again i stayed up all night decorating and cleaning until i couldn't move another muscle and resorted to lying awake in bed all night. my heart was throbbing and overworked. i think i did it too fast and didn't drink enough water.

now it is saturday night and i am miserable. my appetite has been atrocious and i've gained back all of the weight i lost on crystal and more because i have no metabloism whatsoever.

i want to buy just one more 50 bag to get the weight off and then i will give the speed a rest. i feel so disgusting right now. i have eaten everything in sight and i can't even move.
i have been depressed and miserable. i hate myself so much. i can't even look in the mirror. i am a fat, lazy, stupid drug addict who deserves to rot in her own filthy misery.
i hate food. it's evil. as evil as me.

in two weeks i have cut myself off from everyone but krystyna. i stopped answering my phone or returning calls. i hardly laugh, barely smile, and try to forget how to breathe. i don't care to look nice or think about college. i don't think about anything but how big i have gotten so son and how speed makes everything better.
when i do crystal, i can almost do anything. i won't let it get out of hand.

i don't mean to be like this. i have been so lost lately. and i love the way i feel on crystal. i feel alive and free inside like i can do anything.
i've been doing it twice a week. i pull out money from my savings account so shawn won't see money missing from the checking account. i do speed with krystyna and shane and it doesn't seem so wrong.
the house is clean and i create art. i lose my appetite.
i'm going to go clean some more now.

it's easter, 4/20, hitler's birthday.
and i watched the sun come up on speed.

i am sitting here writing with a forty of meth up my nose and the other forty waiting in a baggy in my bra. i'm by myself right now. shawn is sleeping.

eric never showed up or returned my calls today. i could care less right now. i'm in my own little utopia of speed.
my heart is racing and my body tingles. i think what seems like ten toughts a second.
nobody knew i was on speed here. but when i don't come to bed tonight, will shawn know? but how could he, i'm ADHD and am always spinning and circling about the house in an inspired frenzy.

i waited for eric to arrive tonight. amber brought over champagne and i had some strawberries and whipped cream out like we planned to do earlier today. i giggled and gabbed as i always try to do with everyone i meet. yet in my head was that little tapping on my conciousness: "$80 worth of glass coming tonight. how will i meet krystyna to get it without anyone knowing? what if eric doesn't come and i am stuck with all of this shit? i don't even want to do it tonight. i have to get up early to go out with my mother. oh shit, what have i gotten myself into?"
and on the outside always smiling, but feeling insecure.
rejecting who i am and sharply searching out some meaningless fulfillments when challenges come.
my mother would be ashamed. i always felt i was loved, but pushed the limits to test everyone.
i would never say this outloud, but i am terrified of disappointing her more than anyone else in the world.
i want to be worth her giving birth to me.

i look for perfection in chaos, but perhaps there is no such thing.
why does love have to be either too much or never enough?
who else do i need that i can call myself complete once knowing?

and all of this is so trivial and benign.
yet it is two hours later and i have just rationed out the last tid bits of glass so i can be high for my "outing" with mom. i don't want to feel like shit in front of her. hopefully i can play it off in five hours. smile and gab.

so here i am. back to square one. snorting crystal meth by myself and doing crafts. everyone is still sound asleep. shawn's frient, matt slept over so he wouldn't have to drive home drunk. i made all of the guys dinner: macaroni and cheese, french fries, cheezy broccoli, corn on the cob, and ziti. i made it in a frenzy and didn't bother to touch it myself.
earlier i pigged out. that was before i snorted the speed. i was smoking pot all afternoon and got a severe case of the munchies. i felt horrible about myself and wished i could have rewound those last few moments and start again, fresh.
so these boys ate dinner with intoxicated, goofy smiles and went to sleep happy. i snorted a bump in the bathroom white on the phone with my friend melissa. pretending to blow my nose.
no one even noticed. phew.

honestly, i have been making a lot of good friends lately. it feels nice to be liked so much. i don't tell anyone how nice it makes me feel because i'd sound ridiculous.
shawn calls me, "little miss popular" because of all the sudden i am getting phonecalls all day to make plans. i don't know why they like me. frankly i find myself both goofy acting and strange looking. i sometimes think that i don't deserve to have any friends.
i think so many rude and selfish thoughts about people some moments when i'm insecure. i will be comparing myself in my mond to them and wanting to be better. most of the time i am not that way. i love people. i do. i want to reach and be reached.
i am just insecure and afraid of not being good enough. i fear the world may leave me behind where the dark lies dwell. it's that place that folds you in two and then rips you like the ticket man does at the movies. he lets you come in and see what you have paid to view. and now i have bought the minutes and hours that captivate me.

we found a roommate, and shawn isn't charging her for the first month because it's already a week into april. this bothered me, but he seems pretty gung ho about it. i hope they hook up so that it will be easier for me to break up with him.
this relationship oppresses me. i have been in such a lousy mood.
i am sinking sideways into my artsy little dark world of dreary poetry and portishead.
a part of it feels familiar and comforting. but i know i shouldn't be here.
the beautiful music of sadness, loneliness and lust inspires me. it cuts me and bleeds the paint from my viens and the words flow cold yet scalding in a storm of ink madness.
i don't know what gates are unlocked in my heart lately, but i remember them from a time before when i was lost.

i want want anyone moving in here just yet. especially this girl, because i know eric will hit on her. shawn could fuck her in the ass at this point and i'd just shrug my shoulders and smile.
but if eric does anything i will be so jealous. i'm a freak with a warped sense of entitlement and self depravation. i'm an oxymoronic moron.

eric's girlfriend called me again to confirm the eye exam i will have tomorrow and to give me directions there. if she knew how i have been acting with her boyfriend lately she would probably be jabbing my eyes out instead.

i can't get him out of my mind and i feel angry with him for some reason. i can't understand.

this week sucks. i'm going to get stoned now so i can create some senseless scribbles of acrylic on a blank surface somewhere.

i called him. yep, i'm a conniving dirty harlot.
i though up an intricate excuse about going in on some glass that i was supposedly "getting" this weekend. he agreed to pay half.
feeling a bit more confident, i asked him when he was going to come over and he replied "this weekend."
"no, i mean when are you going to come over and see me?"
"I can't," he said.
"oh, i see how it is, you have to be drunk or something," i said, disappointment sinking in.
"no, it's just that we work with your neighbor and he'll see my truck parked out there in your driveway when shawn's gone at work."
"yeah, you're right," i answered.
"i'll talk to you later."
"bye"
"uh, bye" he said.
click.

i got rejected by a guy who will fuck any half decent girl in a room, and when he's drunk, any girl in the room, and all of them at once.

now i'm going to have to call shane for meth. shane is the guy who eric punched out a couple weeks ago. i'm going to pu down $100 on this shit and not even get what i conspired all of this to do for!

and hour later eric's girlfriend called me, not knowing all of the backstabbing evil things i had just initiated earlier.
she wanted to know if i was going to still come in to see her at work for a free eye exam. "sure girly!" i answered. "it will be great to see you. we should go out to eat again"
what?? am i fucking serious??
that is just rotten.
i'm an awful person.
i don't know what the fuck i just got myself into. how could i be such a selfish, manipulative person?

got a letter from my dad. yes, the old biological sperm donor.
he was upset that i haven't written to him in a while. he talked a lot of shit about me being kept from him as a child and lied to by my family.
i feel like i hate him and i know i don't love him. but if i didn't care about him than i wouldn't waste the energy hating him.
how's that for something to think about?

i don't know whether it is the diet pills, the drug relapse, or me getting ready to go to college, but i am stuck in the swamps of my head. i am irritable and unfocussed except thinking of eric.
i keep thinking about eric every moment, using him as a distraction from my reality. i am trying to use him as if he were sand to fill the hole in me.

I stopped into shawn's work twice today hoping to see eric so i could bat my lashes and get him to come over, but he was somehwere else. i left feeling ridiculous and disappointed.
why am i always looking for trouble?
why can't i love shawn the way he loves me? instead i am drooling over his co-worker, acting as i did in junior high.

i keep popping these damn diet pills because they give me energy and i am terrified of gaining weight. i keep pulling money out of my savings account every day to buy clothes and makeup so i won't feel so bad inside.

i want to get fucked up with krystyna and jenna and go to the strip clubs fulled with sweat and smoke. i always enjoy my girls nights. maybe i should consider dating girls instead.
oh fuck.

fuck all this bullshit. this nonsense.
i thought i was strong, but i'm not.
i'm scared of myself and everything in this damn world.
all i do is dive into its smelly body fluids and stretch myself too thin.
i make myself so tired, but refuse to rest.

the ephedra makes my heart pound in my stomach, but it feels good. i realize that i never knew sobriety. i just chose to take on new addictions like body image, hydroxy cuts, and little anodynes in between.

i have this feeling in my stomache. it's a faint twisting and turning that sucks my breath in too quickly. i am restless - i want to be a whore today, who doesn't care or have heartache. i want a cheap fuck that tastes like a mouth hot with tequila. i want to release the energy that's spinning itself dizzy inside me. i want the drunkeness that comes with lust.

eric and his girlfriend came over twice this weekend. he is such a dirty bird, quite the scumbag. a guy my father would have been like 20 years ago, and probably still is. but there is something about him quite irresistable to me. when i'm with eric i want to be a slut for him.

shawn was furious with me for letting eric make his little comments and obvious stares. he knows i eat it up when i get eric's obnoxious attention.
friday night eric kissed me on the cheek as he left, aiming for my mouth with his toungue, but i turned my head because shawn was coming. he never saw. thank god.

saturday i drank tequila shots and bacardi with eric's girlfriend and some friends. when no one was around we agreed to hook up one day soon. he would call me when he got out of work at 4:00. i felt a rush.
i like being sneaky. i don't know why.
he doesn't care about me. he's a pervert and a drunk, but i want him.
i love the feeling of getting away with something. it's power and it gives me a high.

i feel like such a rotten person. a pathetic person.
it's 5:00 and eric never called.

there is snow flying down from the cold clouds. tonight is supposed to be the worst snow storm of the year.
i tell myself that that is why eric hasn't called me. the truth is, i know he never will. he will just come over every weekend, get drunk and flirt with me in front of his girlfriend and that will have to be enough for me.

i can cut it short with him right now and stop being a flake. i five months i will be in boston and can be free from shawn and eric. i can start fresh. yet i am still thirsty. i would love to get these urges out of my system. i just want a drink and it's driving me nuts. a sip of secret meaningless sex.
i'm not going to call him. ever. that would be desperate.
who am i kidding.
i will.

i've been bad. i thought it would be easy to be good and i made it a year and three months before doing coke again (though i swore i'd never touch it for the rest of my life.)

shawn and i have recently moved into a bigger place. it's actually a four bedroom house that we rent.it's absolutely beautiful to me. anyway, shawn and his friend eric bought the stuff on friday night without telling me beforehand. i have given up all intimate attachments to shawn a long time ago, but happened to notice how attractive eric looked. so i agreed to do a couple of lines with them, got hight and went to bed with a finger nail against chalkboard feeling. in between that eric had flirted with me shamelessly and then beat the crap out of shawn for delievering the coke too late.

oh, i don't even know why i bother writing anymore. everything i say i have said a zillion times and it must make one rather weary to read. i would like to write an autobiography one day. not that my life is of any interest to anyone when there is a war going on and a world full of real problems.
it's just that writing is the only way for me to get all of the fuzzy storms out of my head. everything i wish i could speak and make sense of comes out this way.

i don't know why i gave up a year and three months of strength to flirt with an alcoholic with a girlfriend) who gets in fights all the time and sleeps with barflies. i don't know why i'd step over shawn in a second just to have one cheap fling with a guy who is everything and more of what i've despised in my past and seen in my father.

in five months i will be in college, but i always feel like a failure.
i am eventually always seduced by this darkness. sometimes i want it though i know i shouldn't. i feel like Eve.
i always fear i will lose everything. i will be left standing naked and cold on the edge of some black place filled with silence. there will be whisperrs teling me that i should have listened. i should have been good. and i want to be good, yet it's so hard.